Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
