yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
