i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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