paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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