Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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