Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
