A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
