Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
