We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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