I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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