im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
third nipple confirmed
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
