I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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