You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
