Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
