I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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