I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize