tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Enjoy the penises
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
