When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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