cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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