Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
