who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
