If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
