the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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