Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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