I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize