I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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