my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
