Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
