Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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