mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
