There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
