can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
