ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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