you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
