I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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