Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
