I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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