I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
