she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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