Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
