Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
