thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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