she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
