So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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