I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
