After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
