felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
