they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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