I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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