They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have post one night stand depression
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