meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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