last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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