Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
