You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
