she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
