I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize