Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize