I'm so fucking centered right now
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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