I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
