she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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